Two Strategies to Make Giving Feedback to Your Manager Feel Easier
How a shift toward inquiry can make upward feedback more workable.
Over the past few weeks, a number of my Elevate cohorts have been right in the middle of learning feedback — not just the structure of it, but the real-world nuance that sits underneath it. We spend time on format, but we’ve also had some great discussion about the context: the emotional bank account between two people, the dynamics on a team, the unspoken history that shapes how feedback lands.
And this week, one example stood out.
Someone in a session shared a tension they were feeling with their leadership team, and it opened up a rich conversation about something I see all the time: giving feedback up an organization is simply harder.
There are power dynamics.
There’s the relationship you’re trying to maintain.
There’s the sense that the stakes feel a little higher.
Even the most confident communicator can feel that friction.
But in high-functioning teams, upward feedback is crucial. Leaders should be getting the most feedback because their actions have the biggest impact. It’s takes dedicated effort to build that reality, but it’s important because it’s often the difference between leaders understanding their actual impact or unintentionally operating in a bubble.
That’s the context for the two strategies below. They don’t soften the message; they simply make upward feedback easier to communicate and easier to move through — without getting lost in hierarchy.
Strategy 1: Swap the Request for a Coaching Question
Invite collaboration instead of prescribing the fix.
Traditionally we teach that constructive feedback ends with a request. We do this because we want to make our feedback actionable. But, it’s not uncommon that making a request upward can land as abrupt or mismatched.
A small, intentional shift is to replace the request with a coaching-style question — something that brings your manager into the problem-solving process rather than telling them what to do.
An Example
Your boss added a new project to your plate while you were racing a deadline on another project. You felt stretched and worried about compromising your quality of work.
Traditionally, our feedback may sound something like this:
“Last week, Project B was assigned to me while I was trying to meet the deadline for Project A. I felt a bit overwhelmed trying to deliver both at the level I expect of myself. In the future, could we avoid stacking deadlined like that?”
Here’s what it could sound like to integrate a coaching question:
“Last week, Project B was assigned to me while I was trying to meet the deadline for Project A. I felt a bit overwhelmed trying to deliver both at the level I expect of myself. I’d love your perspective on how we might handle situations like that going forward. Do you have thoughts on what flexibility we have when competing priorities come up?”
Same clarity, same ownership — but now the conversation opens up.
You’re not dictating the fix; you’re collaborating on the solution.
Strategy 2: Use an SOS Check-In Instead of Constructive Feedback
When the bank account is lower or the power dynamic is higher, a check-in creates more space to explore.
An S.O.S check-in is designed for moments when you don’t have all the information and you’re starting to form a story. Instead of delivering constructive feedback, you surface the facts you see, name the story your brain is creating, and invite their perspective.
It’s one of the most effective tools upward because it opens the door rather than delivering a conclusion.
Same Scenario, Reframed as a Check-In
Here’s how that last scenario could sound as a check-in:
“Last week, Project B was assigned to me while I was trying to meet the deadline for Project A. The story I caught myself telling is that the overlap might have been avoidable if we’d approached the planning differently. But, I’d love your perspective on if that feels true, or if there’s something happening behind the scenes that I didn’t see.”
A check-in signals curiosity, not accusation. We get to share our story with the humility of acknowledging it may not be right.
It makes room for nuance, context, and additional information.
And it still leads to a conversation about how to prevent the problem next time.
The Through Line: Inquiry Changes the Tone
Both strategies come down to the same principle:
Inquiry makes upward feedback easier to deliver and easier to move through.
It doesn’t soften the truth — it simply changes the shape of the conversation.
It gives your manager space to respond thoughtfully, not defensively.
It keeps the clarity but removes the sharpness.
And it turns a moment of tension into a joint exploration instead of a top-down correction.
The goal I have with each and every team I work with is that we make rich, consistent feedback flow in every direction across a team without hesitation. I want my Elevate participants to have the tools to build strong relationships and give thoughtful constructive feedback when needed. And, that’s a process. The dynamics of giving feedback up the organization are real.
So, when in doubt, be clear, be specific, and integrate inquiry. It creates the conditions for a steadier, more constructive conversation, even when the stakes feel high.
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