I talk about trust constantly. It’s the foundation of the Five Dysfunctions of a Team model (that we study and apply in the Elevate Program) and most people intuitively understand that without trust, everything becomes harder. When trust is low, team dynamics get messy. Morale dips. Back-channeling increases. Communication narrows. We waste energy questioning motivations. And lack of trust tends to create… more lack of trust.
But actually building trust?
That part can be hard. And often, it feels nebulous.
I work with managers all the time who are trying to build trust with their teams. It’s not linear. And the beginning is always the hardest, because you’re often starting from a deficit. Sometimes that deficit has to do with past behavior by the manager — but just as often, it’s the byproduct of broader organizational decisions, historical dynamics, or past conditioning that has nothing to do with the current leader.
And here’s what I’ve noticed:
Simply recognizing “we have a trust issue” is not actionable.
To make trust actionable, we need to understand what creates it.
When trust issues feel deeply rooted, one component almost always comes into question: orientation.
When we’re assessing whether someone is trustworthy, we’re really evaluating whether they feel self-oriented or other-oriented. In other words:
Does this person care about me?
Does it feel like they’re paying attention to me?
If we’re trying to build or repair trust with someone, it’s helpful to sit in their perspective. From their point of view, does it feel like we care? Does it feel like we’re paying attention?
And if trust is important — and it always is — the question becomes:
How do I show that I care in a way that lands?
This brings me to an example from class this week that highlights how even the best intentions can still run into hurdles.
The Situation
“We have people on our team who have said they want our business unit to be more involved with broader cultural initiatives across the company.
To respond to that feedback, we asked for volunteers to lead our team’s involvement in the next holiday event.
But we were met with silence.
It’s frustrating because we’re trying to incorporate their feedback… but the same people who asked for this aren’t stepping up when the opportunity comes.”
The Tension
This example is incredibly relatable.
Most managers I know are genuinely working hard to show up for their teams. They gather feedback. They take notes. They try to act on it. And it can feel discouraging when you attempt to deliver exactly what someone said they wanted… and nothing happens.
You close the loop — and it still doesn’t land.
So what do we do when our efforts to build trust aren’t met with enthusiasm or movement?
In class, one participant asked:
“Would it be appropriate to ask this person why they didn’t volunteer?”
The instinct to inquire is great — but how we inquire matters.
The Solution
Here are the three moves I’d focus on:
1. Recognize where we’re making assumptions.
We heard: “I want the team more involved in company culture.”
We responded: “Great — here’s an opportunity to lead a cultural initiative.”
There’s a built-in assumption that the opportunity we presented is the opportunity they wanted. That may not be true. And operating on that assumption can lead to a lack of progress.
So, we want to close the loop and gather more context. More detailed perspective.
2. Lead with curiosity (and avoid “why” questions).
“Why didn’t you volunteer?”
— puts someone on their heels immediately.
“What would being more integrated into the culture look like for you?”
— opens the door.
Curiosity signals care. It says, I’m paying attention and I genuinely want to understand.
Some examples of helpful questions:
“What kinds of cultural involvement feel exciting or meaningful to you?”
“How would you want to contribute or participate?”
“What does ‘more connection to culture’ mean from your perspective?”
“What” and “how” invite someone into dialogue.
“Why” invites defensiveness.
3. Be explicit about your intent. (You can’t over-communicate this.)
One of the clearest ways to show care — and lower self-orientation — is to narrate what you’re trying to do.
Something like:
“We’re really focused on incorporating the feedback we’ve gotten from the team.
I know integration with the broader company culture was important to you, and when we asked for volunteers to lead our department in the holiday event, that was the intention.
There wasn’t a lot of reception in the room, which isn’t a problem — it just tells me our interpretation of the feedback might have missed the mark.
I’d love your perspective on what meaningful cultural involvement looks like so we can do a better job moving forward.”
This does three things:
Shows your intent clearly
Acknowledges assumptions and invites collaboration
Positions you as other-oriented — paying attention, not dictating
Intent builds trust when it’s expressed transparently.
What This All Points To
I love this example because the team is working hard to build trust. One of the most powerful ways to lower self-orientation is to:
Ask for feedback
Take it seriously
Make changes
And explicitly connect those changes back to the feedback you heard
That loop signals care.
It signals attention.
It signals: “I’m listening to you.”
But even with the best intentions, trust-building isn’t linear. Sometimes your effort won’t be recognized right away. Sometimes the thing you offered isn’t the thing they meant. Sometimes you’ll have to try again.
The work is to keep the conversation going — with clarity, curiosity, and explicit intent.
Because over time, that’s what builds trust.
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