The Skill of Naming Your Tensions
A simple practice for building awareness and moving beyond autopilot
So many of us go through our day and experience frustration, stress, or pressure. We live through it. We feel the emotional response. Often, we react—doing whatever we can to get rid of or get away from the negative feeling.
What we don’t always do is step back and recognize what’s happening.
We’re in it. But we don’t as naturally step out of it and name it.
And trust me, I’ll be the first to raise my hand and admit guilt.
It’s hard work. Recognizing and pinpointing our tensions doesn’t happen by accident, but it’s an unlocking move when it comes to our growth.
More than that, it’s an underrated skill. Simply being able to say, “XYZ is frustrating me,” might seem small, but that step is exactly what moves us beyond pure reaction into inquiry and thoughtfulness.
An Example In Practice
Earlier this week, an Elevate participant put time on my calendar for coaching. He showed up and said:
“I’ve been feeling some frustration lately and realized that [xyz] is the phrase that triggers it. When people say that, it feels out of alignment with our values, but I’m not sure the best way to address it.”
At first blush, it may seem minor that he was able to pinpoint where the tension came from and what values weren’t being met. But I can assure you, it isn’t.
That level of awareness requires mindfulness, reflection, pattern recognition, and an understanding of your own internal value system. (He’s a couple weeks from graduating, so we’ve been putting our reps in on all these things.)
So, why is this awareness helpful?
Once we’ve pinpointed a tension:
We’ve created distance from it, which allows us to be less reactive.
Ex: Ahhh yep, that’s the phrase that’s been bothering me—versus defaulting into fight, flight, or freeze every time we hear it.
It lets us address the core issue.
Knowing the moment we’re triggered is wildly helpful both for our own self-awareness and for developing next steps.
Our Growth Lies In Our Tensions
In our Elevate Program, we teach participants how to show up as coaches themselves. And as part of that practice, everyone also gets plenty of opportunity to be coached.
Over time, I’ve learned that if you ask folks if they have a coaching topic, you’ll often be met with silence.
Not because they haven’t experienced moments worth coaching on, but because identifying tensions and opportunities is far from second nature.
As I said at the beginning: we often experience the stress, but we don’t step back and name it. So when you’re asked to recall it later, it feels almost impossible.
But when we can pinpoint our tensions, we unlock growth.
Even small moments of stress or discomfort, when coached or reflected on, can reveal new insights, unveil opportunities, and shift our attitude.
It’s Not About Negativity
When I ask you to build the skill of identifying your tensions, it’s not about dwelling on negativity.
It’s about shifting from life happening to us, to life happening around us.
When we recognize what’s happening inside or around us, we gain agency. We can ask questions. We can be discerning. We can show up in a thoughtful, elevated way.
We can stay stuck in the anxiety and frustration, or we can recognize it—and start to look at our options.
The second path is harder. But I promise, it’s far more rewarding.
So, Where to Start?
Build the habit of capturing your tensions. Keep a pad on your desk or a simple list in your notes app.
When you notice stress or frustration, jot it down. What was the exact moment that triggered the strongest reaction?
Over time, those notes will become a map—not of what’s wrong, but of where your growth is waiting.
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